The Christmas Demon

This season, I've seen articles on Krampus on both Way Past Normal and on Topless Robot. Krampus, if you haven't heard of him, is the Christmas demon who accompanies St. Nicholas on his rounds, punishing the bad children with something far more horrific and traumatic than a mere lump of coal. Krampus, a folkloric figure in Austrian, Bavarian, and other alpine areas, seems to be enjoying an internet-driven surge in worldwide popularity lately.

Lesser known to Americans is the Czech version of St. Nicholas (Mikuláš), who is accompanied by both a devil and an angel. St. Nicholas comes on the eve of his name day, Dec. 6. Although the devil bears a resemblance to Krampus, with the disturbingly long tongue, I don't think he's actually the same demon. I've never seen names ascribed to the Czech devil or angel.


This illustration by Josef Lada comes from the book Dětem, and it depicts the scenes of winter (Zima). Note St. Nicholas in the center, robed as a bishop, with the angel at his right hand with a basket of good things (probably fruit and nuts) for good children, and the devil on his right hand, carrying what looks like a whip or a chain. Note the children on their knees, pleading with St. Nicholas for something good, or perhaps praying that the devil won't whip them.

Other details I'd like to draw your attention to include the man playing the dudy (Czech bagpipe), seen just behind and to the right of the devil; the carp in the lower right corner, which is the traditional Czech Christmas meal; and the ominous raven on the right-hand side of the picture. I have no idea what the raven is about. Can anyone enlighten me?

White Christmas

I'm snowed in. This was the view from the front door of my apartment complex, before I broke through the sea of white with my footprints. The streets had not been plowed, nor were there any tracks. Not even the folks with big SUVs are attempting to go anywhere.

Why go out at all? It's my habit to take out the trash every morning immediately after scooping the litterbox. Plus, I just wanted to experience the snow instead of looking at it from my window. And, since I'm planning on staying home today, I can enjoy the snow, knowing that I don't have to drive in it. I'll dig my car out tomorrow, or whenever the snow stops.

The sidewalk, which had been completely clear with foot-high banks of old snow on either side, had been totally filled in. It was impossible to tell where the old snow ended and the new drifts began. I only had a dozen or so steps to reach the dumpster. I pretty much slid down the stairs to the sidewalk, because I couldn't find any of the steps underneath the snowy slope. On the sidewalk, the snow was almost up to my knees.

As you can see in the picture, it's still coming down pretty thick. (Yes, those white specks in the darkness are snowflakes reflecting the camera's flash.) I bet my deep footprints will be filled in before long. I wonder how much we'll get by the time it's finished. It's rather amazing.

I don't mind staying home for Christmas. I'm not really alone, since I've got my cats, the phone, and the internet. Everyone, stay safe. Merry Christmas and Peace Be With You!

Turkey Moon

Last year, I wrote "A Vampire's Thanksgiving." I had planned to leave it at that, but this weekend, I was inspired to write a sequel. Be warned: it's ridiculous. Thanks to my friend Katherine for proofreading. So, without further ado, here is . . .


Turkey Moon

by Anj

Still a few hours until her friends arrived to pick her up. They had talked her into going to see New Moon, even though she really didn't want to. She just couldn't get into that series. Real vampires weren't sexy, and they most certainly did not sparkle.

"Gah! Dead again!" The shout came from across the room, and Annie looked up to see her family's pet vampire frustratedly gnawing on the video game controller. "Game over" glowed on the TV screen in ghostly white letters.

He'd moved in last Thanksgiving. Apparently he'd been her mom's childhood friend, so he was in his forties, even though his body was frozen at age twelve. He was pale as a vanilla milkshake, both his skin and his hair. His eyes glowed maraschino cherry red. Several bats clung to his sleeves and hung off the limp bag of his sweatshirt's hood.

It was because of the bats that she'd taken to calling him Belfry. He'd invited the bats to stay with him in the attic, and the family had been forced to move all of their stored junk down to the basement, where it had been ruined in the spring floods. Annie hadn't felt very thankful toward him since then. Of course, she hadn't liked him much before that, either. He was the reason she couldn't invite any of her friends inside the house, and he'd even permanently scared off her boyfriend when he'd used his fangs to cut open the wrapper on a new DVD.

He set the controller down, and the bats seized their chance. They gathered around the controller like it was a feeding dish. On the screen, the "continue" option flashed by, followed by a loading bar.

"Shouldn't you and your friends be out hunting?" She wanted him to go suck on a cow. The bats could scrounge for any bugs that hadn't died in the frost.

He stood, leaving the bats to enjoy their chance at Parasite Eve II, then tucked his gray-freckled hands into the pocket of his hoodie. "Still an hour until sundown. Anyway, I don't need to hunt tonight. Tomorrow's thanksgiving, so before sunrise, I get my share of the turkey."

"It would be nice if you'd pluck it after you suck it." She smiled, hoping to foist her chore off onto him.

"Sure, no problem." He grinned, eyes glazed like he was looking inside her. She'd never get used to that creepy vampire stare.

A blood-curdling gobble rose from the back yard.

"Sounds like someone knows we're talking about her." Belfry licked his lips.

Annie rolled her eyes and went out back alone. The turkey hen threw herself against the chicken wire, bending the walls out of shape. But the cage held. The posts were driven deep into the ground.

Annie pointed at the bird. "Quiet, you. Enjoy your last few hours of life."

"Enjoy yours!" the turkey shot back.

Annie stumbled back into the house and slammed the door. Clutching at her pounding heart, she turned the knobs for both locks, then looked around the mudroom for something heavy to brace the door with.

"What's up?" Belfry asked.

"The bird threatened me! It talked!"

He lifted the heavy cloth curtain to peek outside, then drew back with a hiss. He stared at the dark gray burn on his hand and whimpered.

She slapped the back of his head. "Idiot. You know better."

He helped her make sure every window was closed and every door locked. Then she called her two mothers. "Belfry and I will figure something out. But I don't want the turkey to get you when you come home, so stay away until we call you back!"

From the other room, she heard Belfry cry, "Oh, man!"

She ran after him. "What? What?"

He frowned, pointing at the TV screen. "They got past the trash heap monster!" He shook a fist at the bats. "I tried forty or fifty times!"

"Forget the game! We have a homicidal talking turkey outside!"

"Relax. As soon as the sun goes down, I'll take care of it. It's just a bird."

"She'll peck your eyes out!"

"Even if she does, they'll grow back." He held up his burned hand, which had mostly healed already.

Stupid vampires with their regeneration. Always showing off.

Every few minutes, Annie peeped out through the curtain. The turkey stood stock still, glaring at her with beady black eyes. Her variegated bronze feathers were actually quite beautiful, although the loose, bumpy, blue skin on her head and neck were kind of disgusting.

The sun dipped low to the horizon. Another few minutes, and Belfry could go outside. Annie opened the door a crack and leaned out. "Truce? If we let you go free, will you promise not to hurt us?"

The turkey puffed up her feathers. "Afraid? You should be! I've been caged here all day! I assure you, there will be blood spilled! And it will not be mine!"

Annie closed the door and locked it again. A moment later, she parted the curtain less than a quarter inch, striving to keep her movement imperceptible.

The turkey was gone. Inside the pen was a naked girl about Annie's age, with beautiful bronze skin and thick brown hair streaked with gold. She was gorgeous, downright hot. At that moment, Annie decided she was bisexual after all.

The turkey girl gripped one of the metal posts with both hands and worked it back and forth. The post came free, and the girl stumbled back. She lifted the chicken wire and crawled underneath. She was free. She ran away, toward the cornfield.

Annie opened the door and leaned out. "Wait!"

The girl squawked and flapped her arms. She transformed into the turkey and bolted toward the field, picking up speed quickly.

Annie called, "All talk, huh? You were really scared!"

The turkey turned around and flew low over the ground toward Annie, gobbling loudly.

Annie slammed the door. A loud thump knocked a few bits of plaster off the wall.

Outside, all was silent. The windows darkened. Belfry appeared at Annie's shoulder. "Sundown. Let me at her."

"Just hold your horses."

"I don't have any horses."

Ignoring him, Annie opened the door.

Belfry muttered, "I always wanted a horse."

The turkey lay on the porch, still as death.

Belfry frowned. "Bummer." Then he grinned, baring his fangs. "Oh well, the blood's still warm."

Annie got between him and the bird. "Stop! She's a person!"

His gleaming, hungry eyes remained locked on the floppy blue throat, but he held back.

Annie had no idea how to check a turkey's pulse, but she didn't have to. One wing twitched. One talon scratched across the porch. Annie helped the turkey to her feet. The bird swayed and stumbled, then ruffled her feathers. Then she gobbled loudly and beat Annie with her wings.

Annie screamed, falling off the edge of the porch and landing in the bare branches of the shrubbery. She covered her face with her forearms, but the attack ceased.

She looked up to see Belfry holding the turkey aloft, licking his lips. "Yumilicious! All that adrenaline gives the blood a great flavor!"

The turkey transformed into a girl and punched him square in the mouth. He let go, looking more surprised than hurt. The turkey girl hopped around the porch, waving her bloody hand. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" Apparently, she'd cut her knuckles on his fangs.

Annie crawled out of the bushes. "Okay, truce! Truce!" She held out both hands. "Nobody's eating anybody." She faced the wereturkey. "What's your name?"

"Thomasina."

She introduced herself and Belfry. "Would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Oh, I don't think so!"

"No, not like that. We'll make it vegetarian."

Belfry grumbled.

"I'll bandage your hand, give you some clothes, and cook whatever you want, to apologize for keeping you in that pen."

Thomasina stared toward the field, but her pretty brown eyes were softening.

"What do you like to eat?" Annie prompted.

"Corn."

"Uh, corn it is, then. Come on in!"

Thomasina eyed Belfry warily.

He shrugged. "I don't feed on humans. As a were, you're half-human, so I guess that makes you off limits."

Thomasina sighed. "All right. It's not like I have anywhere to go anyway. This is a dangerous time of year for my kind."

"Well, stay with us. We'll give you a safe haven."

"You have to promise not to eat some other turkey tomorrow."

"Promise." Annie offered her hand.

"Well, all right." Thomasina took it.

Impulsively, Annie lifted Thomasina's hand and kissed it.

Thomasina drew back. "You'd better not be tasting me."

Annie escorted Thomasina inside, with Belfry following dejectedly. After providing their guest with a shirt and pants, she called her moms. "Everything's fine. We have guest. Can you stop at the store and pick up a tofureky? And corn. Lots of corn."

Happy National Grammar Day!

Here are a few of my favorite blogs devoted to grammar, punctuation, and style. I know it's Grammar Day and not Punctuation and Style Day, but good writing requires all three, and they are deeply intertwined.

SPOGG: The Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar
Founders of National Grammar Day.

Mighty Red Pen
A little bit of everything, from punctuation issues in the news to zombie sightings.

The Blood-Red Pencil
Writing advice from 19 professional editors, including Maryann Miller, who used to lead the Nebraska Novelists group until she up and moved to Texas.

The Sentence Sleuth
Features "Criminal Sentences," in which she passes sentence on sentences so poorly written they ought to be criminal. (Like the one I just wrote.)

The Grammarphobia Blog
Answers to reader-submitted questions about grammar and word usage.

The Engine Room
Pokes fun at errors and oddities found in the wild, including signs and news headlines.

Apostrophe Abuse
That's right. A whole blog devoted to signs with prominent apostrophe errors. Go on, laugh at other people's mistakes.

Daily Writing Tips
As expected, offers daily writing tips, and also hosts a short story competition.

Pro Writing Tips
Backing away from the minutia of grammar to give writing advice that will help you develop your own style.

Evil Editor
He takes your query letters and synopses and burns them with his laser eye-beams, then mocks your plot mercilessly. Find out what it is that makes an editor heave your manuscript into the fire without even reading it.

Groundtiger Day

Well, the four-footed, furry meteorologists are in agreement. Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, and Khuntami the tiger chose the white box. We're in for six more weeks of winter.

It may be small consolation, but at least Khuntami deliberated his decision long and hard. Must have been a tough call.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from me, my cats, and my itty-bitty Christmas tree! Peace be with you!

Happy Fangsgiving

A Vampire's Thanksgiving
by Anj

She went to the door after the second ring of the bell, expecting her boyfriend, but instead she found a thin stick of a boy she didn't recognize. He was about twelve, thirteen at most, and pretty weird looking, with ghostly pale skin, white hair that hung past his hips, and shining red eyes. His tattered jeans and filthy tennis shoes seemed at odds with his crisp, new-looking southwestern print hoodie. He smiled as though he could see right through her, mumbling, "You look just like her," as he slowly trailed his gaze down her body.

She blocked the doorway, wondering what a child was doing out this late. "Was there an accident? You need a phone?"

"No. I'm here to visit your mother."

She leaned back inside and shouted up the stairs, "Mom! There's an albino kid here to see you!"

Her mother didn't answer. She trotted over to the bottom of the stairs and yelled louder, "Mom!" She glanced back at the kid, who stood in the doorway, studying her with that strange disconcerting smile on his face. Was he on something? Those glazed eyes and that freakishly intense, yet somehow dazed, expression on his face would seem to indicate yes.

But there was nothing to him. He didn't look strong enough to carry a twelve-pack of pop five yards. If he tried anything, she was sure she could take him. "Why are you standing there letting all the heat out?"

"I can't come in unless you invite me."

She scoffed in the back of her throat. "What are you a vampire or something?"

"Yes." He grinned. His teeth did look a little sharp.

Still, that was crazy. No, he was just some nut. Probably one of her mother's "special" students. "Whatever. Come in and close the door. My folks will freak if the heating bill is any higher this month." She turned again to the stairway. "Mom!"

She faced the kid again as the door clicked closed. He stood very still in the middle of the room, hands tucked into the large pocket on the front of the hoodie. She wished he'd stop smiling like that. It made her faintly queasy. She wished she hadn't let him in.

Finally her mother appeared at the top of the stairs. "What is it?"

The girl pointed at the freak. "This kid came to see you."

Her mother furrowed her brow for a moment, then her eyes widened. "Oh. My." She cleared her throat as she descended. "How have you been?"

"Surviving." There was a faint edge of amusement to the boy's voice. "You?"

"Fine." She looked at her daughter. "Weren't you going to the midnight movie?"

"My ride's not here yet."

"Why don't you wait outside?" Her mother sounded faintly anxious, underneath a failed attempt to appear calm.

"Maybe I shouldn't leave you alone with . . ."

"We'll be fine. Go outside."

Lights flashed in the window, and a car pulled into the driveway.

Her mother smiled. "There he is. Go on."

The girl took her jacket from the middle peg of the rack. "Maybe I should skip the movie . . ."

Her mother shooed her with both hands. "Go on. Don't keep him waiting."

"Will you be here when I get back?" She really wished her other mom wasn't out of town tonight.

Her mother nodded. "I expect so."

She barely refrained herself from asking, "Will you be alive?" Instead, she stepped close to her mother and whispered, "I shouldn't have let him in, should I?"

"It's okay. Scoot, now. Have fun."

Fat chance of that. But she let her mother push her out the door. The click of the lock between them echoed with finality.

* * * * *

She looked at the boy, feeling the tug of nostalgia, tainted with regret. He had not aged visibly in thirty years. She tried to remember how he'd looked when he'd been human. The boy next door, her playmate since preschool. Curly red hair, like copper coils. Green eyes. Freckles spangled across his pink nose and cheeks.

No trace of freckles on that eggshell white face now.

It was her fault he'd been taken. She wondered if regarded her with blame or gratitude.

"She looks so much like you." He nodded toward the door.

"You think so?" She shook her head. "I expect she'll have her boyfriend drive her around the block, then drop her off so she can spy on us. I think she's worried."

"Of course she is. I told her what I am."

"Ah."

"I watch you sometimes."

"Oh?"

"My family is gone, so you're the one I . . ." For the first time, his composure broke. He hunched his shoulders slightly and looked at the floor. "I used to pretend you were my sister. Now . . . you're all grown up, and I . . . I pretend you're my aunt, now."

"It must be very lonely for you." She wondered where he lived. How he lived. She remembered seeing him in the cemetery once, years ago, perched between the grotesques on the roof of the mausoleum. Was that his home?

Well, then. While he'd been hiding in a graveyard, she'd had a good life. The kind of life he could never enjoy. She owed him. She understood.

She embraced him tenderly. Cupping her hand on the back of his head, she pressed his face to her throat. Might as well get it over with.

His cold lips pressed on the side of her neck. She felt the cool, clammy moisture as he opened his mouth. His fangs scraped lightly over her jugular.

Then he stepped away. She'd never felt a prick. She touched her neck, then checked her fingertips. No blood.

He tucked one hand back into the hoodie pocket. "I don't feed on people. I never have." He pointed vaguely to the north. "I go to that big farm outside town. The cows are marked with numbered ear tags, so I can make sure I'm not taking from the same ones too often."

"Oh." Embarrassment washed over her like a hot flash.

"You have a live turkey in your back yard."

She nodded. "That's for tomorrow . . . oh!" She understood, for real this time. He was here for dinner after all.

She took his hand and led him through the house, out the back door.

He glanced up at her, smiling broadly. His red eyes glowed softly. "Is it the right day yet?"

She glanced at her luminescent watch. "Two minutes after midnight."

He rubbed his hands together. "May I?"

She gestured toward the small wire enclosure with the turkey. "Drain it dry." As he pulled open the fence, she added, "Happy Thanksgiving."

Happy Easter!

There is something wonderful and cheering about the sight of a church standing in the still darkness of night with its stained glass windows all aglow. Especially on Easter morning, in the pre-dawn hours when the parking lot is empty and no people are about. The windows shine like a silent beacon of hope.

Happy Easter, everyone! Peace be with you!

Happy Valentine's Day!

I drew this last night. For those of you who don't play video games, the white creature is a moogle from the Final Fantasy series and the penguin monster is a prinny from the Disgaea series. I think they go well together because they have the same cute little bat wings.

Feel free to send this picture to your Valentine, if you have one. (Me? Alone, of course. And we have a 50% chance of ice pellets today, so that sets the perfect mood for my Valentine's Day.)

Also, check out Hijinks Ensue's most disturbing Star Wars Valentine. And I Can Has Cheezburger? also has an appropriate image this morning.

Dr. King on Loving Your Enemies

Every year when Martin Luther King, Jr., Day rolls around, I like to read one of Dr. King's speeches or sermons. And while it's always good to read the "I Have a Dream" speech, especially since the most famous line is often taken out of context and used as a weapon against affirmative action, I also like to read his other speeches. He was an amazing spiritual leader, and his words have not lost their relevance. The full texts of a few of his better-known speeches are available at numerous websites which can be found with a Google search or from the reference links at the bottom of the Wikipedia page. The one I chose for today was "Loving Your Enemies," which he delivered at the Dexter Avenue Baptist Church in Montgomery, Alabama on November 17, 1957.

One thing to remember as you read these speeches is that they are transcripts of spoken events--which means that there are occasional verbal slips. There is no editor to polish the words after the fact. And remember with the "Loving Your Enemies" speech, Dr. King was quite ill that day. His doctor nearly forbade him from going to church. But he wanted so badly to deliver this message that he went to the pulpit anyway. And it is an amazing, powerful speech, through and through. I encourage you to read it in its entirety (or if you have a broadband connection, I bet you could find the audio recording; but for modem users like me, text must suffice). The following paragraph moved me to tears:

"Another way that you love your enemy is this: When the opportunity presents itself for you to defeat your enemy, that is the time which you must not do it. There will come a time, in many instances, when the person who hates you most, the person who has misused you most, the person who has gossiped about you most, the person who has spread false rumors about you most, there will come a time when you will have an opportunity to defeat that person. It might be in terms of a recommendation for a job; it might be in terms of helping that person to make some move in life. That's the time you must do it. That is the meaning of love. In the final analysis, love is not this sentimental something that we talk about. It's not merely an emotional something. Love is creative, understanding goodwill for all men. It is the refusal to defeat any individual. When you rise to the level of love, of its great beauty and power, you seek only to defeat evil systems. Individuals who happen to be caught up in that system, you love, but you seek to defeat the system."

Allow me to lift out the core concept for emphasis: Love "is the refusal to defeat any individual." Elsewhere in the speech, he talks about how loving your enemy does not necessarily mean liking them. Love is a conscious, often difficult choice to do the right thing even to someone who has done the wrong thing. He also talks about how hate can be as destructive and corroding for the hater as the hated. You love your enemies not just for their benefit, but also for your own.

Love like that--true, Christ-like love--could transform the whole world. But if that's too big to think about, imagine how it could transform just one life. And the vision is still staggering.

Jones Soda Christmas Pack: Christmas Tree

All right, it's time. Christmas Tree flavor. My background music? "O Tannenbaum," of course.

The soda is green--a good, proper evergreen green. It's slightly murky, but not overly much so. If I hold it close to the computer monitor, I can read through it.

The picture on the bottle depicts two Dalmatians flanking a Bassett hound, all wrapped in shining red and green Christmas lights. One Dalmatian is yawning, the other peering intently off to the side, perhaps looking for an escape route. The Bassett hound is gazing at the person holding the camera, his soulful eyes pleading, "Why did you do this to us? Why?"

The message under the bottle cap reads, "Your good listening skills will open many doors to you." Shouldn't that be, "doors for you?"

It smells . . . not all that bad, actually. The scent is mild, with a hint of pine. Not overwhelming. I find it surprisingly pleasant.

The flavor can only be described as pine. It tastes stronger than it smells. Not that I've ever eaten a coniferous tree of any sort, but it really does taste like Christmas tree. A little sweet, but not too much. The sweet does not overwhelm the pine. It's actually quite good. I find myself rather liking it.

I'm surprised and delighted. I really expected it to be horrible, but for all it's weirdness--and believe me, the strangeness does not wear off with each successive sip--it's delicious. I can't imagine any other food or drink this could be served with. It's the kind of flavor that really must stand alone. But it is worthy indeed.

And this concludes this season's reviews of Jones Soda special holiday flavors. (I really, really wish I'd been able to sample the Chanukah Pack, as well, but my friend and I couldn't find it anywhere.) Hope you've enjoyed them. I know I have.

Jones Soda Dessert Pack: Blueberry Pie

I feel fantastic! Oh sure, I've still got a little pain, and two coworkers told me that I looked unwell and that my face was swollen, but compared to the way I've felt for the last two weeks, I feel so incredibly much better. In addition to feeling better physically, my spirits are up and I have more energy today. That toothache really had worn me down and wiped me out. I am so glad I got that root canal, and so grateful to my dentist for jostling the schedule to get me in yesterday. Life is good.

To celebrate, I let myself get Chinese food for dinner. Beijing Chicken. Very tasty.

And now it's time for the last bottle from the Jones Soda Dessert Pack: Blueberry Pie.

This soda is an absolutely beautiful shade of blue, edging into indigo, like the twilight sky after sunset but before the stars come out. The picture on the bottle depicts an uncut pie with four little people made of pie crust decorating it, laying with their heads together as if gazing at clouds. Thin lines of blue and red--food coloring or frosting--provide the faces and clothing. It's adorable.

The message under the cap reads, "Try yoga." Okay. I could use the exercise.

It smells wonderful. The blueberry aroma is strong and accurate.

Delicious. Possibly my favorite so far. While I'm not particularly getting a sense of the pie crust flavor, the overall taste is more like blueberry pie filling than fresh blueberries, so it really does evoke the impression of pie.

One oddity--it leaves a faint tingle on my tongue that reminds me a bit of Pop Rocks, which I haven't had since Kindergarten. Mind you, this tingle is not a bad thing. It's just a little strange.

Blueberry Pie soda is awesome. Jones should get this one out of the holiday packs and into full scale production. This deserves wide distribution. It's excellent.

Tomorrow will be the last Jones review for this season, the dreaded Christmas Tree flavor. I have purposely saved that one to be the grand finale. Tremble in fear!

Jones Soda Christmas Pack: Christmas Ham: An Afterthought

I think where Jones goes horribly, horribly wrong with flavors like Christmas Ham is that they make them sweet. Rather than caving into the consumer expectation that "soda" equals "sweet," I think they would do better to let savory flavors be savory. I like cold, sliced ham, and I think if they had made a beverage that actually did taste like ham, it wouldn't be so bad. It might not be good, either, but it would at least be drinkable. I remember their Turkey & Gravy soda from last year, and that was pretty decent. So it is possible to make a savory soda that isn't nauseating. I think it's the sweet--which has no place in ham flavor--that killed it.

Jones Soda Christmas Pack: Christmas Ham

Happy New Year! The Jones flavor for today is Christmas Ham. Yikes!

I'm listening to a randomized selection of Christmas music to put myself in the right mood for it. And yes, it is still Christmas. For those who don't know the old tradition, the Twelve Days of Christmas begin on Christmas Day and end on Epiphany. Thus, today is the ninth day of Christmas. Leaving aside the nine drummers drumming (or the nine ladies dancing, depending on which version of the song you prefer), let's get on to the soda.

The Christmas Ham soda is murky any muddy pink in hue. It is more or less the color of baked ham, but somehow it seems a bit off, rather like the (Caucasian) "flesh" colored markers and crayons that never quite look right. It is a profoundly unpleasant color for a liquid.

The picture on the bottle is a close up of a green ornament nestled in a white artificial tree, reflecting the spangled small white lights like stars.

The message under the bottle cap reads, "A distant romance will begin to look more promising." First of all, I have no romances, distant or otherwise at the moment. Second of all, I am so gun-shy about internet romances that I will not let myself get into that situation again. I'm not that desperate. So this fortune is a strike out, at least for me.

I haven't even brought the bottle near to my nose for a good whiff yet, and I can already tell the smell is nasty. I find myself leaning away from the bottle. But now I must force myself closer for a proper analysis of the scent . . .

Whatever it smells like, my brain is not registering "ham" on any level. It's sweet, cloying, and a bit chemically. The smell actually makes me want to throw up.

Okay . . . I can not convey how much I do not want to drink this, but I'm going to take a sip so I can describe it here for you. For you!

Oh God.

It is unspeakably vile. It's worse than 2005's Brussels Sprout flavor and 2006's Pea flavor. I get absolutely no sense of "ham" from the taste. The only taste I can compare it to is this one time back in college when I ate a sweet frozen fruit bar while I had the flu, then vomited it up a half hour or so later. And I assure you, the taste of sugar-laden barf is actually somehow worse than the taste of regular barf.

I'm going to pour the rest of it in the toilet now. I'm sure as heck NOT going to drink it.

And then I'm going to brush my teeth and gargle with Listerine as many times as it takes to scour this taste from my palate.

Jones Soda Dessert Pack: Lemon Meringue Pie

Well, next up should be one of the Christmas Pack sodas, but the next one in line is Christmas Ham flavor, and since I don't feel all that well today to begin with, I'm going to give it a pass for the moment. Instead, I'll do another selection from the Dessert Pack, Lemon Meringue Pie. Sorry for wussing out, but don't worry--I will drink the Christmas Ham soda in the New Year.

To go with Lemon Meringue Pie soda, I'm listening to assorted songs by Oranges & Lemons, best known for the opening and closing themes to the anime Azumanga Daioh ("Soramimi Cake" and "Raspberry Heaven" respectively.)

Lemon Meringue Pie soda is the same cloudy, pale yellow color of lemonade. So that works. The picture on the bottle appears to depict a piece of lemon meringue pie that has been splattered against a wall.

The message under the bottle cap says, "Serious trouble will bypass you." Of course, if it bypasses me, how will I know that I've missed anything? Still, it's a nice thought, that whatever happens, I have magically dodged something much worse.

The aroma of this soda is absolutely perfect, with the right balance of lemon and meringue. It smells exactly like the real pie.

The flavor likewise perfectly replicates the flavor of the pie. I don't really get any sense of the crust like I did with the apple and cherry pie flavors, but I don't think that's a big minus. Overall, it's quite delicious.

I'll be out of town visiting family over the next two days, so the soda reviews are on hold until January 2. See you then!

Oh, and for those of you have been waiting with bated breath for updates (that would probably be nobody) . . .

1. Although I didn't get sick from the few sips of Apple Pie soda I took while writing the review, I did get an upset stomach after finishing off the bottle later in the day. So I guess even "natural flavors" are enough to get me.

2. The antibiotics didn't work. My teeth still hurt like the dickens, and I'm still taking uncomfortably high doses of ibuprofen to keep the pain in check. Of course, because of the holiday, it will be Wednesday before I can contact my dentist's office to beg for the next treatment option, whatever that might be. Oh well. Such is life.

Everyone, have a happy and safe New Year!

Jones Soda Dessert Pack: Cherry Pie

The next selection from the Jones Soda Dessert Pack is Cherry Pie. Seriously, this one would be about impossible to mess up, so if it's not good, I'll go into shock. And cherry pie is one of my favorite pies, right after strawberry rhubarb and French silk, so it's a flavor I know well. (Digression: I wish Jones would make a strawberry-rhubarb flavor! That'd be awesome!)

Now despite the fact that the soda is cherry pie flavored, the picture on the label is of a guy eating either turtle or Snickers pie. I see chocolate, caramel, nuts, etc. You'd think they would have picked a picture of a cherry pie, or at least some cherries. But, whatever.

Anyway, the music choice for this bottle is the only song in my collection that has "cherry" in the title, "Black Horse & The Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall.

The message under the cap says, "Good news is on the way." Bad news, too, I expect. Both are always true at any given time.

The soda is the same clear red color of any number of other cherry sodas I've had. None of the murky cloudiness of the apple pie soda here. The smell, however, is actually different from other cherry sodas. As with the apple pie soda, I get a whiff of flour, that wonderful pastry crust aroma.

And the taste, too, has the crust flavor mixed with the cherry. And the cherry flavor has that appropriate syrupy taste, like real pie filling. We have another winner. The taste is not merely cherry, but really and truly cherry pie.

Jones Soda Christmas Pack: Sugar Plum

The next bottle in the Jones Soda Christmas Pack is Sugar Plum. I expect this one to be good.

What is a sugar plum? All I know is "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies" and "Visions of sugar plums danced in their heads." Is it a plum coated in sugar? Is it a confection made in the shape of a plum or with plum flavoring? I just don't know.

Consultation with Wikipedia tells me, "A sugar plum is a piece of candy that is made of sugar and shaped in a small round or oval shape." Okay, that's sort of helpful. But I still don't know what a sugar plum is supposed to taste like, so I won't be able to judge whether the soda's flavor is accurate; only whether it is good.

To get into the proper spirit, I'm listening to "A Mad Russian's Christmas" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, a kicking arrangement of pieces from Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite, including "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies."

The soda is a beautiful shade of dusky lavender. It's definitely one of the prettier sodas I've seen. The picture on the label depicts a startled guy trying to catch a falling Christmas tree.

The message under the cap is, "You just helped save a child's eyesight. Thank you." I guess that means that Jones donates some percent of their proceeds to help children with vision problems. That's very nice.

The scent has kind of a nondescript artificial tang to it, like Skittles or Starburst candies. It's not the most inviting scent, actually. On second sniff, I can detect the plum.

The taste is not bad. It reminds me just a little of those Japanese Ramune pops. You know the ones with the marble in the bottle neck? (If you don't know what I mean, check your local Asian grocery store to see if they have them. Everyone should experience Ramune at least once. I call them "exploda-pops" because it's nearly impossible to open the bottles without making a mess. But, as usual, I digress.)

Back to the Sugar Plum soda. It's good. I like it. The mild plum flavor is there, but really, the primary flavor is the sweet itself. It's like a hard candy, except without the hard. Given Wikipedia's description, I'd have to say that Jones' Sugar Plum is probably spot-on. In any case, it's really quite tasty, and with every sip, I like it better. I would buy this year-round if it were available.

As the lolcats might say, it is "full of win."

Jones Soda Dessert Pack: Apple Pie

I'm going to alternate between the Christmas Pack and Dessert Pack flavors of Jones Soda. Unlike the Christmas Pack, where I'm saving what I expect will be the worst for last, I'm going to get the flavor I'm dreading most out of the way with the Dessert Pack. And for me, that means Apple Pie.

What's wrong with apple pie, you say? Ain't I American?

Well, yes, I'm American. I'm also allergic to apples. Or, at the very least, I get sick whenever I consume anything with real apple in it. And so I am hesitant about the Apple Pie soda. I checked the ingredients carefully, and there is no apple juice. There are "natural and artificial flavors," so it is possible that there is some kind of apple derivative in it. It shouldn't be any more dangerous to me than, say, an apple flavored Jolly Rancher, but still, I'll probably only have a sip or two.

But now you've been warned--I am obviously not going to be able to accurately judge how closely the taste compares to real apple pie. One time I had a piece of saltwater taffy with what I thought was a strange flavor, and it took me ten minutes to figure out that it was apple. My diet had been apple free for so long that I'd forgotten the flavor. So you see, I'm likely to be comparing the soda to that taffy.

In the spirit of "American as apple pie," I'm listening to "Song for America" by Kansas. Yeah, I know, that's just a little cynical. But I like the point of the song--we have a wonderous and beautiful country, but we've trampled and destroyed the land. The implication being, stop--we're already in paradise; we ought to treat it better.

Returning from my digression, the Apple Pie soda is not the bright, unnatural green of Jones' Green Apple flavored soda (which I've obviously never had, but I've seen in stores), but instead a sort of dingy, cloudy beige. It is exactly the color of apple pie filling, so they've got that perfect. The picture on the label, of course, is an apple pie.

The message under the cap says, "A balance is needed between home and business." Don't need to tell me twice. I've got that down.

The scent is very apple-ish. I can't detect anything other than apple in the smell, but that's probably because my defense mechanisms are warning me away.

The flavor is nice. I think I can detect a hint of cinnamon, and even a bit of pastry flavor, which brings to mind a lovely, flaky crust. The apple flavor lacks the nasty weirdness of the apple Jolly Rancher candy or that piece of yucky taffy; it's actually rather pleasant. I expect someone who actually eats apples and apple pie might find it a fairly accurate reproduction of the flavor.

Unlike with the Egg Nog soda, the cane sugar flavor does not stand out. All I taste is Apple Pie, which is how it should be.

Well, I've had a couple swallows. Now I'm going to put the rest in the fridge. If my body isn't rebelling within the next hour, I'll assume that whatever "natural flavors" are present are so far removed from the apple that they won't affect me, and I'll be able to enjoy the rest of the soda without hesitation.

Jones Soda Christmas Pack: Egg Nog

Fabulous news! Well, for me, anyway. Indifferent news for everyone else. I may not need a root canal. The constant, throbbing pain in my teeth may just be an infection. My dentist started me on antibiotics and said I should be feeling relief within a day or so. Hooray! Because for the last four days (the weekend and the two-day holiday while the dentist's office was closed) I've been having near constant fantasies about ripping those two teeth out of my jaw with pliers. Yes, I realize that in the short term, that probably would have hurt rather significantly more, but I was imagining the long term payoff of those aching teeth just being gone.

Anyway . . . who cares but me, right? Onward to something more interesting, the first bottle from this year's Jones Soda Christmas Pack. I'm going to start off with a flavor I actually expect to be pretty good: Egg Nog. To stay in the Christmas spirit, I'm still listing to carols. Right now, I'm listing to "Joy to the World" in Japanese ("Morobito Kozorite" sung by a chorus featuring Iwao Junko).

The Egg Nog soda is very yellow, much more so than real egg nog. And of course, being soda, it is clear. In other words, it looks not so much like egg nog as a substance one hands to one's physician in a tiny plastic cup. I'm going to do my best to keep the visual out of my head, instead focusing on the cute snowman picture on the label.

The message under the cap says, "Encourage tranquility if you are feeling agitated." Can't argue with that sound advice.

The scent is just a little eggy and just a little noggy. With my eyes closed, I can easily deceive myself into imagining that it's the real thing.

With the first sip, the dominant flavor I noticed was actually the cane sugar. Now, I love cane sugar sodas, however, it really works to the disadvantage of the egg nog effect. The sweet should not overwhelm the other flavors, but here, it really does. But of course, the biggest detriment to the egg nog effect is, of course, texture. Soda can not mimic the creamy, mouth-coating thickness of real egg nog. This ends up being rather more like cream soda with a hint of nutmeg.

It is, at least, very tasty and enjoyable.

Bad Teeth and Weird Soda

Merry Christmas!

I've been fighting a toothache since I broke a lower left molar two weeks ago. It's been worse since the first phase of my repair work on Monday (when I got temporary crowns on the shattered tooth and an adjacent tooth that was badly damaged), and I've been in so much pain this whole weekend that as soon as my dentist's office opens on Wednesday after the holiday, I'm going to be calling and begging for a root canal. (Or a double root canal, since I can't tell which tooth is worse. They both seem to be causing an equal amount of agony.) Probably best to get that done before the permanent crowns are on.

The tooth that broke? It happened when I was eating a piece of soft peppermint. The dentist said my tooth was in such bad shape I could have been eating a marshmallow and it would have still happened. Apparently those old silver-amalgam fillings, of which I have many, expand and contract with heat and cold, and so eventually, they can break a tooth apart in the same way potholes form in roads. Oh, goody. That probably means I can look forward to more problems in the future. If you have any of those old silver-amalgam fillings, you might want to have your dentist give them a close looking-over.

I'm essentially eating and drinking normally, so long as I chew only on the right side. Sure it hurts, but it's not as bad as a migraine, so I can function.

Which brings me to the actual reason for this post--the first of this year's round of Jones Soda special edition holiday flavors.

A friend gave me both the Christmas Pack and the Dessert Pack. The four flavors in the Christmas Pack are Sugar Plum, Egg Nog, Christmas Tree, and Christmas Ham. The flavors in the Dessert Pack are Apple Pie, Cherry Pie, Blueberry Pie, and Lemon Merangue Pie. Most of those sound okay, except for Christmas Tree. I can't even imagine how nasty that's going to be. So I plan on making that one the very last one I try.

I'm planning to do the same as last year--drink one soda a day and blog the experience. I will start after Christmas. But for now, to tide you over, I'll review a couple of the Jones holiday flavors that are available outside the special box sets. I bought a four-pack of Christmas Cocoa flavor, and when I got it home I discovered that someone in the store swapped one of the bottles for Gingerbread Man. So I got two flavors without even intending to.

I had the first bottle of Christmas Cocoa a couple of days ago. I'm not sure what it tastes like, but it is most assuredly not cocoa. It reminds me of a chocolate soda I had when I was a little kid. I don't remember the brand name, and I don't think it was on the market very long, but the Jones Christmas Cocoa really trips my memory, so I think it must be essentially the same flavor. It wasn't very good back then, either. It's one of those things where you take a sip, smack your lips, furrow your brow, and think, "What eees it, man?" It's somewhat odd and disconcerting.

Tonight, I will have that bottle of Gingerbread Man soda. Opening it now . . .

The message in the bottlecap says, "A tantalizing prospect will come your way." How very fortune cookie. "Tantalizing" could well refer to a yummy Christmas dinner. Actually, at this point, "tantalizing" could also refer to that root canal. Oh, what sweet relief that would bring! But back to the soda . . .

It is a pale amber color, very pretty. The aroma is definitely ginger, with a hint of spice. The flavor is very good, like a smooth, mild ginger ale. The spicing isn't as apparent in the taste as in the scent, although there is just a hint of molasses. All in all, a very pleasant, comfortable flavor. I may have to get a couple packs of it if it goes on clearance after the holiday.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Peace and blessings upon you!